Contributed by Michele Borba
Warning signs that your child is being bullied
If your child is bullied it means that a peer or peers are intentionally causing her or him pain. Peer abuse! Just the thought can send shivers down our spines.
But the fact is 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. Reports also confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is more frequent and aggressive than before. And the cruel behavior increases with age. Chances are your child may be bullied.
Also troubling is that our children don’t always tell us that they have been bullied. I’ve spent many a meeting with kids who were repeatedly victimized and in clear emotional pain.
“Why didn’t you go to a trusted adult for help?” I’d ask.
Their replies were concerning:
“I did tell my mom. She didn’t believe me.”
“I tried to tell, but I got too embarrassed.”
“If I told my dad he would have only made things worse by yelling at the bully.”
“Why bother? The stuff my mom told me to try wouldn’t work.”
Repeated bullying causes severe emotional harm and can erode a child’s self-esteem and mental health. Whether bullying is verbal, physical or relational, the long-term effects are equally harmful. Both boys and girls report high levels of emotional distress and loneliness as well as lower self-esteem, loneliness, anxiety and depression. Some situations the outcome is tragic: the child may take his or her own life.
So it’s time to get savvy and learn the warning signs of bullying. Bullying is always intentional, mean-spirited, rarely happens only once and there is always a power imbalance. The victim cannot hold his own and often will need adult help. Your child may not feel comfortable telling you about his pain, but if you know these signs your child is being bullied and tune in closer, you might be able to start bullying prevention in your home.
Signs Your Child Is Being Bullied
Here are possible warnings that a child may be bullied and needs your support. Of course, these signs could indicate other problems, but any of these warrant looking into further. See my blog, Signs of Cyber-bullying for signs of electronic bullying. Every child is different and any child can have an “off” day, so look instead of a pattern of behavior that is not typical for your child.
1. Unexplained physical marks, cuts, bruises and scrapes
2. Unexplained loss of toys, school supplies, clothing, lunches, or money
3. Clothes, toys, books, electronic items are damaged or missing or child reports mysteriously “losing” possessions
4. Doesn’t want to go to school or other activities with peers
5. Afraid of riding the school bus
6. Afraid to be left alone: wants you there at dismissal, suddenly clingy
7. Suddenly sullen, withdrawn, evasive; remarks about feeling lonely
8. Marked change in typical behavior or personality
9. Appears sad, moody, angry, anxious or depressed and that mood lasts with no known cause
10. Physical complaints; headaches, stomachaches, frequent visits the school nurse’s office
11. Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, cries self to sleep, bed wetting
12. Change in eating habits
13. Begins bullying siblings or younger kids. (Bullied children can sometimes flip their role and become the bully.)
14. Waits to get home to use the bathroom. (School and park bathrooms, because they are often not adult-supervised, can be hot spots for bullying).
15. Suddenly has fewer friends or doesn’t want to be with the “regular group”
16. Ravenous when he comes home. (Bullies can use extortion stealing a victim’s lunch money or lunch.)
17. Sudden and significant drop in grades. (Bullying can cause a child to have difficulty focusing and concentrating.)
18. Blames self for problems; feels “not good enough”
19. Talks about feeling helpless or about suicide; runs away.
What to Do if You Suspect Bullying but Aren’t Sure
Kids often don’t tell adults they’re bullied so you may have to voice your concerns. Review the signs of bullying and then ask direct questions.
“You’re always hungry: have you been eating your lunch?”
“Your CDs are missing? Did someone take them?”
“Your jacket is ripped. Did someone do that to you?”
Watch your child’s reactions. Often what a child doesn’t say may be more telling. Tune into your child’s body language. Silence is often powerful.
If you suspect bullying and your child won’t talk to you, then arrange a conference with a trusted adult who knows your child. If your child has more than one teacher you may need to meet with each educator or coach. Keep in mind that bullying usually does not happen in all school settings and in all classrooms. The trick is to figure out if your child is bullied and then where and when it is happening so you can get the right help for your child.
Hint: If your child has a classmate, you might be able to gain more information from the pal than your own child.
Meanwhile, keep an eye on your child. Children who are embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers and generally suffer in silence, withdraw and try to stay away from school.
Stress to your child you are always available, are concerned and recognize bullying may be a problem.
Emphasize that you believe your child and you are there to help.
Please seek the help of a trained mental health professional if the signs continue, intensify, or your gut instinct tells you “something is not right with my child!” Please!
Michele, Your post reflects so much of the information that I learned as I was surveying the research in order to write my upcoming Responsive Classroom book, How to Bully Proof Your Classroom. I’d like to add one more suggestion for getting the conversation going with your child: There are many excellent children’s books about bullying. Sometimes reading a book together with your child can be a way to spark a discussion about a sensitive topic like bullying. The slight remove about discussing what happened to the character can help your child relax and reflect. Trudy Ludwig, Peggy Moss, Becky Rae McCain and even Katie Couric have written accurate and engaging books about kids being bullied.that are appropriate for children at a variety of elementary school grades (middle school too). Curling up with you and a good book may help your child open up about what’s going on at school. Go ahead – try a parent-child read aloud (my own daughter will tell you that I was still occasionally reading to her when she was in middle school!).
Bullying affects pploee at a very basic level. We want our children to be safe and we may even remember being bullied ourselves.Schools must be a sanctuary where students can learn and feel safe. Parents must also feel safe allowing their children to attend school.Rick
RebekahWell, your video has been removed, but I can iiagmne what it was like. This topic always gets to me because my brother was bullied. And, sure enough, when he stood up for himself, he got in trouble, too. I don’t think he ever really resorted to violence but the two boys got into enough of a fight that they were both in trouble. He was bullied continuously by the same boy and even though the school knew about it, nothing they did actually changed anything. Perhaps the bullying changed forms (physical to verbal) but it continued. At one point my dad actually went directly to the parents of the other boy and told them if it didn’t stop he would press charges. I feel my brother had every right to defend himself if he were getting physically bullied. In fact, my dad even taught him basic ways of doing so in case anything happened. Unfortunately, teachers and schools often have little recourse to effectively discipline the bullies. My brother and the bully, for example, had to write a letter explaining how they felt and what happened. I’m not quite sure how that teaches the bully that the behaviour is unacceptable or the bullied child that the school is on their side to defend and protect them. I’m not sure what can be done to stop bullies but I’m pretty certain that what is done now is not usually effective. A slap on the wrist and a go play nice doesn’t work once the kids are back on the playground.
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I don’t know if anyone will ever unseadtrnd bullying. I can’t lie and say I’ve never said mean things to anyone. I’ve gotten into my fair share of fights with friends in the past. But I never understood why kids make fun of the quiet kids that they don’t even know. I’ve been fortunate enough to make it through my life with very minimal bullying so far, despite the fact that I’m nerdy, odd, and not particularly pretty. The problem is that kids find a target and go with it because it makes them feel powerful, even though they’d be better people if they helped bullied kids instead. I’m sorry you went through that.It is funny, how the smallest decisions have such an impact on our lives. I’m the kind of person that believes everything happens for a reason, so I’m totally with you on this. I’m glad you decided to stay in school and were able to meet some good friends. For me, I know what it’s like to be with the same group of people, year in and year out. Sometimes it’s just hard to find good people in that group. I don’t have many friends in the current group I’m stuck with, but whenever I have to opportunity to branch out and meet new people, I always leave with a good number of new friends. Change is good.