Is a bully, a bystander, a victim or some combination?

Contributed by Michele Borba, CEP board member

It’s not easy to know that your child is bullying.

It’s hard to admit that your kid is using aggression.

But to allow bullying behaviors to continue will be disastrous to your child’s character, conscience, reputation, well-being and mental health.

No matter the age, gender, religion, or ethnicity, any child resorting to bullying needs an immediate behavior intervention.

Please do not make the mistake of thinking that bullying just “a phase” or a “rite of passage.” Behaviors and attitudes turn into habits and can easily be entrenched and much harder to change. Now is the time to help your child.

A key to changing bullying is to uncover what is motivating the child’s behavior. Each child is different and multiple factors may play into bullying so a “one-size fits all” remedy will not work.

Best intervention plans are based on the “medical model approach.” Doctors don’t give the same medication to every patient. They first identify the symptoms, and then diagnose the reason so they can use the right treatment. The wrong diagnosis means the wrong treatment, and that means your child won’t improve.

The good news is because bullying is a learned behavior it can also be unlearned. The sooner you begin, the greater your success!

Figuring Out Why a Child Bullies

Jot down your ideas helps you see a pattern in your child’s behavior you may overlook.

Roll up your sleeves and let’s get started! I’ll give you solutions, but your first step is to figure out the “why.”

Get a notebook to jot down your thoughts as I help you figure out how to help your child.

You may not need to go through all of these steps. Use those tips that help you most.

Do not expect overnight turnarounds, but know this is doable!

Also, please know that there is no one reason why a child bullies.

Each child is different, and there is no one behavior intervention plan that will work for all kids.

What’s key is to figure out what might be triggering your child’s aggressive behavior. Only then will you be able to develop a specific plan to turn the behavior around.

This may take time. You probably need others to help you develop a plan, but hang in there!

Identify the Reason

Your first step is to determine why your child is using this behavior. What might be triggering your child’s behavior?

Here are a few of the top reasons why kids bully. Could any apply to your child? Think through each item carefully. What is your best guess as to why your child is using aggressive behaviors? There may be another reason beyond this list which you can add to the end.

Your child has been allowed to get away with bullying. Adults are turning a blind eye to the behavior. Or have bullying or aggressive behaviors been rewarded or encouraged? Does your child need firmer limits and monitoring?

Your child has been handed too harsh discipline, too rigid or strict, “conditional” love. Is your child using bullying is as exaggerated need for attention or respect? Does your child need a warm, loving parent?

Your child uses aggression to gain rank, attention, power or show “toughness.” Perhaps she lacks social skills, feels rejected or isolated by peers, and is trying to fit in. Research also finds the urge for popularity — especially for kids on the second tier of the social rung – is a bully motivator. Might this be your child? Does she need to learn social skills or find ways to make and keep friends appropriately?

Your child’s empathy – or feeling for others capacity – has not been encouraged or nurtured at home. Did he have an early trauma or depression, which may inhibit the development of empathy and need counseling? Might your family need to tune up compassion? Is empathy not expected?

Your child is hanging with a group who believes it’s “cool to be cruel.” Could he be mimicking other kids? A child’s social network can inhibit or encourage bullying behaviors. Does he need a new group of pals?

Your child has been bullied and is seeking protection. Could he be serving as henchman for another bully out of fear of being victimized himself? Does he need to learn appropriate assertive skills?

Your child lacks coping skills and is impulsive, unable to control anger, and has a natural tendency to “act out.” Does he need anger management skills?

Your child has adopted the view that aggression is acceptable. Could he be watching television shows, movies and video or computer games that glamorize aggression and cruelty and the exposure affects his behavior and attitude? Has his aggression been reinforced or even encouraged by others? Is he watching others who are aggressive?

Your child… What other reasons could your child be bullying?

Uncover the Cause

Watch your child closer. I know it’s hard to be objective about your child, but try to keep an open mind so you can uncover what’s really going on.

Ask others who care about your child and see him or her in other social situations for their input.

Watch your child in different social settings. Bullying does not happen in all situations and with all kids, so check into each situation. Then answer these next questions:

• Where is this behavior happening most often?
• Where is the behavior not happening? Why? What’s different in those spots?
• Are there certain adults or peers involved in situations where bullying is more frequent?
• What about the time of days?
• How frequently does this happen?

Do the questions help you see any pattern? It sometimes helps if you keep a journal to jot down notes to review.

What is your best guess as to what is triggering the bullying?  Don’t worry if you still don’t know. Just move on to the next step.

Get Your Child’s Take

Now get your child’s take on the situation.

Your role is to try and discover what might be bothering your child or triggering this behavior so you can help, so listen carefully and try to gather facts.

For instance:

• Was he falsely accused?
• Could he be the victim of bullying himself?
• Was he trying to protect himself?
• Is this the only way he can figure out how to find a friend?

Ask: “What do the other kids think about your behavior?”

Ask: “What would your teacher say is the reason you are doing this?”

Ask: “What help do you need to stop?”

Be calm and nonjudgmental as you try to uncover your child’s real motivation. Listen twice as much as you talk.

Keep in mind that your child probably won’t be able to put in words what’s triggering the behavior.

Also, keep in mind that bullies often deny their actions or blame the other kid. You may need to call witnesses to help you get the most accurate picture.

You will need to be the detective.

Dig Deeper

Still unclear? These details will help you piece together what is going on to help prevent a reoccurrence. Ask yourself these questions:

• Where and when did the bullying first happen? Think back…way back.
• What started it? What was going on in your child’s life at the time? Is there anything that might have triggered the behavior?
• Which kids were involved? Which adults were present in your child’s life?
• Were there any adult witnesses that might be able to provide clues?

Create a Plan to Turn Bullying Around

Once you determine what preempted the offense (he uses aggression to make friends, to protect himself, for revenge, to try to look cool), your next step is to work together to try and create an immediate first solution. The objective isn’t to let your child off the hook, but to develop alternatives it won’t happen again. For example:

Problem: He bullies for protection.

Solution: Avoid the spot your child is most likely to be bullied by others; find an older child who can look out for your kid. (See Bully-Proofing Strategies for Kids)

Problem: She bullies to seek power to find friends.

Solution: Find other social avenues where your child can make a new friend; teach her friendship-making skills to boost her social competence. For instance: How to start a conversation, lose gracefully, ask permission or solve problems peacefully. Then target and teach one new skill at a time by showing your child the new strategy and then practicing it until your child can use it alone. (See Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, by yours truly and Helping Kids Find, Make and Keep Friends).

Problem: He bullies due to inability to control anger.

Solution: Teach specific anger management strategies (See Anger Management for Kids and Helping Kids Cool Hot Tempers).

Problem: She bullies because she is mimicking other children.

Solution: Watch with whom your kid pals around. Also, check out the day care center, sports teams or other after-school programs your child is enrolled in. Ask teachers for recommendations for a peer group who won’t feed into the behavior.

Problem: He bullies because he doesn’t recognize or care that his behavior is causing his victim distress.

Solution: Boost empathy by asking him to “Switch Places” and pretend to be the victim. Then ask: “How would you feel if someone said that about you?” Tell or read a story in the about a child who is victimized. Consider doing community service as a family. Food drives, picking up trash in the park, painting battered women’s shelters, serving meals at homeless shelters or delivering meals to sick and elderly folks who are housebound are just a few options.

Problem: He bullies because he has a surplus of energy that often is acted out.

Solution: Offer positive alternatives to channel her aggression such as karate, boxing, swimming, jazzercise, weight lifting, soccer, football, or the marching band. But find a physical outlet for your kid to direct his strength and be also praised for his effort.  Also, make sure you teach strategies to help control his anger. (See Helping Kids Cool Hot Tempers).

Once you think you have an idea about the motivation behind your child’s behavior, refer to the specific chapter in my book for solutions in: The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries or on my website: Michele Borba and refer to the articles in the Bullying section.

Don’t be frustrated! This will take time. Keep a diary of your notes. Keep talking to others who know and care about your child.

Above all, don’t give up!

On a similar note, this year’s Promising Practices winners include schools like Gallup Hill Elementary in Ledyard Connecticut and South Grafton Elementary in South Grafton, Massachusetts whose P.E. teachers have helped to transform the recess period into constructive game time using character education and organized athletic activity. Their actions have greatly diminished playground shenanigans and bullying and encouraged cooperative play and teamwork.

All of these actions are the result of somebody seeing a need and doing something about it. Somebody took a few extra steps out there on the court, the field, and the playground and made a big difference.  We can’t measure how deeply these extra steps might impact a young kid somewhere.  These people might not ever know. 

So often, as teachers and mentors, we impact our students in tremendous ways that we don’t ever hear about; we hope that what we’re doing is making a difference somewhere to someone, and we keep on going.  Thurgood Marshall captured the sentiment so well when he wrote “None of us got where we are solely by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps.  We got here because somebody – a parent, a teacher, an Ivy League crony or a few nuns – bent down and helped us pick up our boots.”

Kudos to these teachers and community individuals who have taken a few extra steps, bent down, and helped pull up some bootstraps.  What’s going on around your own playgrounds, playing fields, and sport courts this summer? Let us know.

Bullying in our nation’s schools is rampant.

Consider the following data points from the 2010 Federal Bullying Prevention Summit: every day, 160,000 students stay home out of fear of getting bullied at school; 1 in 3 students will be bullied this year (about 18M young people); 75-80% of all students observe bullying; and, depending on definition, 15-35% of students are victims of cyber-bullying.

Fortunately, our elected officials and others are now taking bold action. To their credit, for example, 43 states have passed anti-bullying legislation. 

I had the honor of representing CEP at the Summit. The key takeaways were: (1) bullying in schools is widespread; (2) the ramifications are very serious; (3) we need to learn more through research; (4) several government agencies are truly committed to taking this issue on; (5) policies and definitions need attention and clarity; (6) there are 67 programs that claim to combat bullying; (7) none of them has been shown to be effective through research; and (8) there is no simple, silver bullet solution.

As with all complex and chronic problems in our schools, narrowly focused intervention strategies typically fail to make a lasting impact. Zero tolerance policies, hallway posters and such all sound very good in theory. There is no doubt that they are also implemented by well-meaning people who really do want to make things better. However, according to many experts, such measures are shallow in nature and thus fail to achieve their intended purpose, especially over the long haul.

So, having said all of this, if educators are serious about mitigating and eradicating bullying in schools, they will need to take a broad and strategic approach–one that focuses on the school’s entire culture. Beyond having a good strategic plan to guide the entire process, success requires committed leadership, hard work, collaboration with all stakeholders, tenacity and lots of patience. Remember, cultural change takes time, so think “crock pot,” not “microwave oven.”

As for the strategic plan, CEP can help. We offer an excellent resource for this very purpose–one that goes to the heart of school culture. It is free of charge online. I am referring to the 11 Principles of Effective Character Education. One school leader referred to them as a “GPS system” to guide one along the path of meaningful change. To learn more, or to download a copy, please go to http://www.character.org/elevenprinciples 

Following the 11 Principles will help curb violence at your school and drive other positive changes. We know this to be true from managing the National Schools of Character program for 13 years. It has given us a rich and extensive database of case studies that consistently show how violence and other problems decline as culture improves. At the same time, other important metrics also move in the right direction—including academic achievement. A safe, caring, supportive school culture doesn’t just solve problems. It also creates an environment where young people flourish in countless positive ways.

To make the point, let’s look at three schools that followed the 11 Principles of Effective Character Education and took a broad and strategic approach to creating healthy cultures. Each one drastically reduced violence and other problems. Beyond that, they also showed remarkable improvement in a host of other important areas.

Seckman High School in Imperial, MO, stresses team work, empathy and service. The assistant principal said the emphasis goes far deeper than “banners hanging from the cafeteria ceiling.” Over a 5-year period, out-of-school suspensions decreased 98%; in-school suspensions decreased 30%; fights decreased 65%; and drug-related incidents decreased 74%. Seckman was also named a Top 10 Performing School for Science; their graduation rate rose to 94%; and ACT scores hit an all-time high.

Waterloo Middle School in NY was once riddled with disciplinary and academic problems. A veteran staff member said it was “the black sheep of the district.” That is not true today. One teacher said the school “created a strong sense of family and built a culture of caring.” They emphasize respect and acceptance. Students pledge each day not to use their hands or words to hurt themselves or others. Over two years, serious offenses decreased 71% and other reportable offenses decreased 50%. Also, passing scores on the NY math assessment increased 49% and attendance climbed to 97%.

Julian Elementary School is located near San Diego. Their motto is “We can change the world with our own two hands.” Their culture includes service and respect. In a survey, 100% of parents said the school created a positive climate for learning. Last year, they achieved the highest Academic Performance Index rating in school history. Of note, it went up 45 points for socioeconomically disadvantaged students and 74 points for those with learning disabilities. As for problems, disciplinary actions for violence and bullying decreased by 71%.

The three schools showcased above are all different, yet they have several things in common. First, each one follows the 11 Principles of Effective Character Education. Second, they all created healthy, supportive, respectful cultures. Third, each school significantly mitigated major problems. And fourth, they all showed improvements in academics and other key areas.

The CEP database includes many other real-world case studies that show similarly striking results. But let’s look at a final school that is not in our database. Dunbar Senior High is in Washington, DC. It was founded in 1870 and has a long and rich history. However, like many other urban schools, it faces major challenges. Three years ago, the principal was fired and a private consulting firm took over. Even after the radical change in leadership, things failed to improve.

In December, the Washington Post reported on a Dunbar teacher who resigned because she was disgusted by the response to a cyberbullying incident. It was one of many cases of harassment and violence she claimed were tolerated or overlooked. The teacher said the consultants created “a culture of neglect, insecurity, zero accountability and poor communication.” She added “the culture, one of tolerance for sexual violence, was one she could no longer be part of.”

U.S. Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan, talked about culture at the Summit. He said bullying goes to the very heart of school performance and culture. The Secretary views safety as a moral issue and said schools “should be cultivating a culture of trust and accountability.” CEP agrees with Secretary Duncan. We actually view culture as a two-way street. A good one solves problems and makes things better; a bad one exacerbates problems and makes things worse.

In conclusion, bullying is a daunting and frightening problem. If you want to take the issue on at your school and truly make a difference, you will have to take a strategic approach–one that focuses on the disease (unhealthy culture), not just the symptom.